Mama (thAt lADy) texts the group chat she shares with her daughters, Ayana (yAnA bAnA) and monique.
thAt lADy
I think I just killed your father.
yAnA bAnA
OMG WHAT
monique FINALLY
Kidding!
Ma, an “LOL” from you would be real helpful right now . . .
yAnA bAnA
What happened???????
monique
Wait! Don’t reply, Ma!
Text messages are admissible as evidence in court.
Although . . . 53 years is a long time to put up with bullshit.
I think a jury of at least 50% women would refuse to convict. Call me, Ma.
thAt lADy
Don’t say bullshit. I keep shaking him and calling his name but he won’t wake up. Father God!
yAnA bAnA
Why should she call you? Because you failed the LSAT 15 years ago? Mama, I’m calling 911.
thAt lADy
No!
yAnA bAnA
Then I’m calling you.
monique
Call me on 3-way!
yAnA bAnA
Mama, pick up!
OMG, Mo, it’s a murder-suicide! We’re orphans!
thAt lADy
Girl, calm down! I ain’t dead. I just don’t feel like talking right now.
yAnA bAnA
You killed Daddy, I think we need to talk! I’m calling 911.
thAt lADy
I said no!
monique
I’m sure she didn’t kill Daddy. Sounds like she’s simply in a distressed state. Not unlike a person experiencing a psychotic break after years of trauma, one who cannot be held culpable for her actions while in said state.
yAnA bAnA
Watching every episode of Criminal Minds and Law & Order
twice doesn’t make you an expert.
thAt lADy
(typing)
monique
Expert deez
yAnA bAnA
Really? Are you 12?
monique
Ma, is Daddy breathing?
thAt lADy
Hold on. Let me check. Yeah. He’s breathing.
yAnA bAnA
Oh thank God!
thAt lADy
I have a question. But I need y’all to promise me y’all gonna take this to the grave.
monique
Promise
yAnA bAnA
I’m coming over right now.
thAt lADy
No!
monique
For fuck’s sake, Yana! Just promise!
thAt lADy
Language!
monique
Sorry, Ma.
yAnA bAnA
Don’t cuss at me! I wouldn’t even be talking to you if Mama hadn’t texted.
thAt lADy
Are y’all fighting again?
monique
No, ma’am.
yAnA bAnA
Yes, ma’am!
monique
She just mad because I don’t want her old bed.
yAnA bAnA
No, I’m mad because you said you wanted the bed, then changed your mind, and now I have to find someone at the last minute and pay them to haul it away before I have to vacate my apartment on Friday.
monique
Why don’t you just take the bed to your new place?
Ayana to Monique only
yAnA bAnA
Because it’s got the ghost of Andrew’s dick all up in it, and I’m not bringing that into my next chapter.
monique
Just sage it to clear the disappointing dick energy, duh. And then palo santo the whole apt. #solved
You know what’s really fucked up?
yAnA bAnA
The fact that you never keep your word?
monique
The fact that we wouldn’t be clowning like this if Daddy had texted us that he’d just killed Mama.
yAnA bAnA
This family circus only has one clown and it’s not me . . .
monique
Yeah, it’s ya daddy.
In the group chat
thAt lADy
Ayana Michelle . . . promise!
yAnA bAnA
Ok ok I promise. But with all due respect, if you don’t put Daddy on the phone in 5 minutes, I’m calling 911.
monique
Can you chill, please!?
Ma, you said you had a question . . .
thAt lADy
(typing)
yAnA bAnA
Don’t you tell me to chill when our father is in peril!
monique
Ok, Guinevere
yAnA bAnA
I can’t believe you’re using emojis at a time like this.
thAt lADy
(typing)
thAt lADy
Ok. You know when you . . . a man’s . . . does it . . . is it supposed to. You know.
yAnA bAnA
Mama, are you having a stroke? Go look in the mirror. Is your mouth crooked?
monique
She’s not having a stroke, fool.
Ma, start from the beginning. What happened? Did Daddy fall or hit his head?
yAnA bAnA
If he fell or hit his head, why would she say she killed him, Jessica Fletcher?
thAt lADy
No, he didn’t fall or nothing. But come to think of it, he did have a few dranks before we went to bed.
monique
We’re talking about Daddy here. “A few dranks” usually means half a fifth of Jack. Can you be more specific?
Hol’ up. It ain’t but 6:30 now. What time did y’all go to bed???
yAnA bAnA
Yeah that is early . . . Was Daddy not feeling well?
thAt lADy
No, he was feeling just fine. This was his idea.
yAnA bAnA
What was his idea?
monique
What was his idea?
thAt lADy
Well, the pill was his idea. That other thing . . . I was just curious is all, Lord forgive me.
monique
What pill???
yAnA bAnA
What pill???
thAt lADy
A little blue one
Ayana to Monique only
yAnA bAnA
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
monique
LMAO
yAnA bAnA
I need some brain bleach. Like, right now.
monique
Because Mama and Daddy had sex?
yAnA bAnA
Because they are STILL having sex! Why??
monique
Why not? Don’t you want to still be fucking in your 70s?
In the group chat
thAt lADy
Hello?
yAnA bAnA
No, I do not want to still be fucking in my 70s!
monique
Wrong chat . . .
thAt lADy
What? Hello?
yAnA bAnA
Oh damn!
monique
Language!
thAt lADy
He only took the one pill. I thought it was supposed to keep him . . . not knock him out. You think he shoulda just taken half of one?
Ayana to Monique only
yAnA bAnA
Answer her. Surely as a graduate of Grey’s Anatomy University, you got something.
In the group chat
monique
He’ll be fine, Ma. Just let him sleep it off.
thAt lADy
So this is what happens when you . . . you know.
monique
Take Viagra?
thAt lADy
No . . . I did something.
Ayana to Monique only
yAnA bAnA
I’m about to throw my phone out the window and throw up my guts.
In the group chat
thAt lADy
Remember long time ago what I told y’all only dirty white girls do? Well, I did it, and I think it knocked ya Daddy out cold.
monique
Ohhhhhhh. Ok. Nah. He’s fine, Ma. You sucked the soul out his dick is all.
Ayana to Monique only
yAnA bAnA
I really hate you.
In the group chat
thAt lADy
Language!
monique
Sorry
yAnA bAnA
Shouldn’t she turn him over on his stomach, so if he vomits he won’t choke and die?
monique
If she moves him that could complicate an investigation. Just stay in the guest room, Ma. And try to get some sleep. I’ll come by in the morning.
yAnA bAnA
I will come by even earlier in the morning. Good night, Mama.
monique
Good night, Ma. Good night, weird, ridiculously competitive sister.
thAt lADy
Good night, girls.
Monique to Ayana only
monique
Ain’t that a bitch? After all the things that trifling man has put her through, he has the nerve to ask her to give him head!
yAnA bAnA
She said it was her idea. Sounds like she offered.
OMG you really are a witch. I can’t believe I just typed that!
In the group chat
thAt lADy
Love you.
monique
Trust, if I was a witch, I would’ve helped Mama kill his ass a long time ago and left not a trace. She’d be on an island
somewhere living off his insurance money and pension right now.
yAnA bAnA
Wrong chat, Annalise Keating!
monique
Just kidding, Mama! HAHAHA LOLOLOL
Monique to Ayana only
monique
SHIT
yAnA bAnA
Stop texting. I’m calling you.
“Hey. It’s okay,” Yana says. “I think she went to bed.” “She’s going to see it when she wakes up.”
“Not if you delete it right now.”
“Hold on . . . ,” Monique says. “Done. Anyway. Can you believe this shit? She’s worrying about his pleasure. What about hers? When has he ever thought about what Mama wants, what Mama needs? How many forgotten birthdays and anniversaries is she sup- posed to put up with? How many lies? How many other women? How many times are y’all going to have to get him out of the drunk tank?”
“It’s called a sobering cell. And alcoholism is a disease.”
“Yes, and there is treatment. But Daddy isn’t interested in it. Mama shouldn’t have to keep suffering because he refuses to get help.”
“How do you know she’s suffering?” “Would you be happy in her position?”
“She told me she made vows, and she intends to keep them. In sickness and in health. Till death do us part.”
“I’m familiar with the vows . . .”
“But you don’t think keeping them is important. Because you don’t believe in marriage as an institution.”
“You made air quotes when you said ‘institution,’ didn’t you?” “Maybe.”
“I don’t believe marriage should be a prison for women,” Monique says. “And it’s always women who are expected to keep the vows, come hell or high water. Let Mama have done a fraction of the things Daddy’s done, and he would’ve been out. If she had stepped out on him even once, he would’ve bounced, and you know it.”
Yana sighs.
“Well, this is now heavy as fuck,” Monique says. “Good thing my edible should be kicking in any minute now.”
“Of course you’re high . . . All I’m saying is I understand wanting to keep your word, when it’s someone you care about.”
Silence.
“Are we still talking about Mama and Daddy?” Monique asks. “You tell me. And for the record, I would not be happy in Mama’s
position. Why do you think I kicked Andrew to the curb?” Again, silence.
“What?” Yana says.
“This is me refraining from saying something rude but absolutely hilarious.”
“Go ahead. Say it.”
“You kicked Andrew to the curb because he’s also an alcoholic with wack peen?”
“No! . . . Well, the wack peen part is true. But that’s not the main reason. The main reason is I do plan to keep my vows and be married forever. But I realized Andrew is not ‘forever’ material.”
“He really isn’t. I don’t even know what that means, but I know he isn’t.”
“What I mean is he’s completely unmotivated and stagnant. It would’ve been more like living with a dependent than a life partner.” “And I know you not trying to take in a foster man. Yeah, I feel you,
Yana Yana Bo Bana Fee Fi Mo Nana.” “The edible kick in?”
“Yep,” Monique says, popping the P hard. “Bye.”
“So in closing, what did we learn tonight, kids? Besides the fact that our father hasn’t had a blow job in over fifty years?”
“I said BYE!” “Yana?”
“What!?”
“Yana?”
“WHAT?”
“Let me find out your mama is the throat GOAT.” “GOODBYE!”
“Yana?”
“Monique, please go rewatch NCIS and stop playing on my phone.” “I’ll call 1-800-JUNK and have them haul your old bed away. My
treat.”
“Is that you or the edible talking?” “We shall see. We shall see.”
From THAT’S HOW THEY GET YOU: An Unruly Anthology of Black American Humor. Used with permission of the publisher, Penguin Random House. Copyright © 2025 by DAMON YOUNG.
